Stop Should-ing All Over the Place
A tree doesn’t grow because it should.
What good has ever come of “should?” What scenario has ever been made better, what person has ever been made wiser, what lasting change has ever been introduced that was brought about by a should?
We humans are all too keen on should-ing all over, especially these days, as the internet has opened up overwhelmingly endless avenues of ways to write messages to each other.
All too often, too many of us think we know better than others of us, and because we think we know better, we should all over the place on other humans (and even, truthfully, ourselves).
And look, it’s an easy thing to do, especially when you’re not the one in the proverbial hot seat.
Yet there is this really important thing about it all, this thing which is the secret to living the kind of life we are all deeply deserving of and capable of living if only we would get out of our own way, and that thing is this: there is not one good feeling I have ever seen come out of a should.
What comes instead is this—a concoction of all the things we are always encouraging each other to let go of: shame, regret, disconnection, just to name a few.
You see, to say we should have done something implies that what we did instead was wrong—a judgement.
And the thing about judgements is this: if we are ever to grow, to learn how to be more conscious, more kind, more firm in the truth of who we really are, we need to lay down the judgement of what has been so we can open up to what will be.
Any spiritual leader or text will point to acceptance of what is as being the key to releasing suffering. To make something wrong, to say it should have been different, is to be in a state of non-acceptance, and to be in a state of non-acceptance is to keep yourself in a downward trending, not-good feeling spiral.
And what do we do when we don’t feel good? What kinds of actions and decisions do we make as we are spiraling in shame and defeat?
If change is what we seek—on any level, then we will need to lay down the shoulds, and start picking up our coulds.
Could I have made a better decision? Perhaps yes, but I needed to make the one I made to learn how I felt about it.
Could it have been said it more gently? Perhaps yes, but maybe there is context to these words that I do not understand.
Could this situation be in a better place if only everyone had just done their part? Perhaps yes, but the point of life is not to do it perfectly, but to learn, and one of the best ways we learn is through making mistakes.
Look—I won’t try to convince you, but I will ask you, any kind of joking aside—what good has ever come of should?
Signed, someone who cares deeply about and believes in the potential of all humans, you, myself, and every other single one of us out there.
AUTHOR’S NOTE#100daysofwriting | This essay is the fourth in a series of 100 I am challenging myself to write before the end of the year 2022. As of today, 108 days remain. Will the essays be perfect? No. Will they be done? Yes. As a life-long recovering perfectionist who loves to write but fears subpar work, to write with such frequency and disregard for most standards except the one that asks, is it published? will be an adventure, to say the least.
Topics, I’m sure, will span the breadth of seriousness to silliness, will cover the grounds of spirituality to observations I may make in a nail salon, but truthfully, there are no promises in such a challenge, except to say that yes — they will be done.
You can keep up with my writing challenge by following me on Medium, or subscribing to my email list.