The Best Life Skill for a Sensitive Heart
One of the most important skills I have learned to cultivate over time is the ability to slow down the thoughts I have about myself in moments of trial and uncertainty.
It is a skill, for a sensitive heart like mine, which has become vital to allowing myself to keep opening, keep moving forward, keep allowing my human to enjoy life’s experiences without needlessly raining down on them and wanting to crawl into a hole and be forever left alone.
It is so easy to let our thoughts dictate how we move forward — we could be feeling good, and just a momentary glance of our reflection in a seemingly unflattering light can shift it all downward so quickly.
When I was younger, I remember days when I’d be getting ready for work, doing well and fine until it came time to getting dressed, and somehow, on some days, there was nothing that quite seemed to fit. I’d sit on the edge of my bed in tears, feeling overwhelmed at not knowing what to wear, thoughts of my body not being good enough swirling about in mind, totally overtaken by the terrifying prospect of needing to show up in an office around people within the next 45 minutes.
Small, but full-on breakdowns like this were more of a common occurrence than I’d like to admit in my earlier years (earlier meaning…the ages about ~13 to my early 30’s) — sometimes they were about getting dressed, and other times they came on the heels of not knowing how to make a decision or speak up for myself in situations which called for it.
One thought about myself — one negative, factually untrue but very real-feeling thought about myself — was all it took to begin the spiral.
And, this is the thing, this is how easily it happens. It is no secret or big a-ha to say that we are all often our own worst critics, to acknowledge that the voice in our head can often be harsher and more vicious than the voices of those around us.
The boundaries most of us hold for the way we speak to ourselves are all too often incredibly weak. We allow ourselves to be taken down by thoughts which are not even our own — a voice which you picked up somewhere along the way that told you you needed to look this way, or dress that way, or act more like this and less like that, to be accepted in whatever situation or environment you were in at the time.
Those of us with very soft, sensitive interiors are often even more influenceable and molded by the thoughts we pick up from others, often times because we have not learned how to separate what is ours from what is everyone else’s.
And then, on the heels of feeling so defeated and hurt all too easily, we think the world a cruel, harsh place that is just not inviting for sensitive souls such as ourselves.
And we get stuck.
We let these ideas and beliefs dictate how we show up in the world, disallowing ourselves of the joy of living and of accepting who we are as being wonderfully right in all our imperfections.
One of the reasons I began to write and share of my own life experience was because I have long felt that for very sensitive people like myself, it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to accept that the world is an inherently harsh place, and, as with most things, the world we experience on the outside all begins with the world we cultivate for ourselves, right there on the inside.
Our inner world is built by the thoughts we place meaning in. Just as a house is built brick by brick, our perception of life and who we are is built thought by thought. For most of us, we weren’t taught to question the thoughts we have, to decide if a thought was worthy of being building material or better tossed in the scrap pile. We just accepted what people and society told us about ourselves, and let our inner homes be built with the crumbly, ill-shaped bricks of someone else’s ideas.
The good news is this — as I have said, it doesn’t have to be this way. You can, by removing one brick at a time, learn to discard any materials you have used to build your home which do not serve you in your best-feeling, highest expression. It all begins with cultivating the skill to slow down your thoughts as not-good feelings arise within you.
Whether it is a conscious awareness you have of the thought which then leads to not feeling good, or the not-good feeling seems to pop up on its own because the thought which proceeded it is buried closer to the foundation of your sub-conscious, you can begin to rebuild your inner home by taking a moment to pause, to notice the thought is there, and to come up with a new thought which makes you feel better.
“My legs don’t look good in these shorts,” can become, “my legs are amazing because they are strong and they carry me through life and allow me to walk this earth which is so beautiful and full of wondrous sights which only my legs can take me to see.”
“I shouldn’t have sent that text [because I said the wrong thing],” can become, “I did the best I knew how to in the moment, even if I feel uncomfortable about sending that text, it is ok to feel uncomfortable because the people who are truly meant for me will not be pushed away by one text, and now that I know how it feels to send a text like that, in the future I can make a choice to think more thoughtfully about the texts I send. I am learning and that is the point of being human after all — everything is functioning as designed.”
It is a bit like learning to become your own best friend in a way – learning to cultivate a deep, nourishing friendship with yourself via your thoughts.
And, just like cultivating any relationship, it will take time, and there will likely be bumps. But, as you practice removing old bricks & replacing them with new, you will eventually find a cumulative effect in doing so, the impact of which, over time, will be less life stolen by untrue beliefs, less feelings of wanting to crawl into a hole and hide from everyone and everything, and more openness to the vibrant, loving life which you are truly deserving of, the life which is always just one thought away.
AUTHOR’S NOTE#100daysofwriting | This essay is the third in a series of 100 I am challenging myself to write before the end of the year 2022. As of today, 109 days remain. Will the essays be perfect? No. Will they be done? Yes. As a life-long recovering perfectionist who loves to write but fears subpar work, to write with such frequency and disregard for most standards except the one that asks, is it published? will be an adventure, to say the least.
Topics, I’m sure, will span the breadth of seriousness to silliness, will cover the grounds of spirituality to observations I may make in a nail salon, but truthfully, there are no promises in such a challenge, except to say that yes — they will be done.
You can keep up with my writing challenge by following me on Medium, or subscribing to my email list.